Don't Look Back
by casualtyunicorn
Summary: A one shot I wrote on Zoe's exit, my apologies for any mistakes - I own any errors, unfortunately I don't own Casualty or any characters included in this fic. Please review!


**An idea I had on Zoe's exit, I'd say its a bit emotional but not that much. I own nothing except mistakes! My apologies for any errors or if this drags on or the speech seems out of character. **

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Stepping into the shower cubicle she turned the tap on, allowing the water to flow freely as she waited for it to warm up. Once the temperature she wanted, she stood under. Gathering a hand full, she splashed the water over her face; washing away traces of the grim night before. Accompanied by the soothing liquid, she gazed into the open as her mind was in deep thought. Rinsing any traces of soap from her hair and body, she exited the shower, the white towel she wrapped around her contrasted with her skin. Gripping onto the sides of the sink she breathed deeply as a wave of sickness passed her. Staring into the mirror she cursed at the reflection. She hated the person staring back at her. She wiped away the mascara stained trails caused by the shower with make up remover, clearing her face until every sign of decayed makeup had vanished.

Popping two painkillers, she washed them down with tap water. Bringing her hand up to her head she winced at the pounding, her fingers contracting the heat her head provided. She should be used to hangovers by now, she inwardly joked. It was a routine she knew off by heart, but one she hated with a passion. She hated the constant partying, drinking, smoking and sex with people she'd not long know, but without them who was she? She wouldn't be the Zoe Hanna who everyone knows as the wild party girl.

The constant buzzing and ringtone of her mobile snapped her from her thoughts. _Max, 5 missed calls_. Throwing the device on the side, she decided he could wait. She needed to get ready for work seeing as she's already late. Toeing into her black patent Louboutin heels she positioned to the side, checking her figure in the body length mirror. After tweaking a few flaws she found, she grabbed her essentials needed for her daily routine; bag, purse, keys, mobile and of course, cigarettes and lighter.

Pulling into the ED car park she turned off the ignition, applying another coating of rich purple lipstick before locking her Audi and starting a new day, but same routine. Working in an emergency department everyday wasn't the cause of Zoe's boredom, it was fast-moving and a different emergency everyday - just how she liked it. It was her lifestyle that's the problem.

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Her shift was nowhere near over and still suffering from this blinding headache she disappeared for some space, time to be on her own and face her demons. She needed a place no one could find her, so she opted for a store cupboard hardly anyone used. In the small confined space she used the floor as a seat. Resting her head back onto the wooden cupboard door behind her. She closed her eyes, the darkness slightly soothing her headache. Keeping her eyes firmly shut, it was only when a loud slam awoken her, frightening her as she jumped. Looking up at the intruder, she sighed. It was Tess. The same Tess of whom Zoe helped when it was needed, concealed her affair and comforted her throughout the aftermath only to have it thrown back in her face. Since the aftermath of Tess' affair with Fletch, she and Zoe's friendship had been on the rocks, Zoe believed Tess blames her for the terrible consequences, maybe if she'd exposed the affair sooner it wouldn't have gone to the extent it reached.

"Don't start" Zoe said, pinching the bridge of her nose.

"I've been looking for you!" the senior nurse informed, crossing her arms in disapproval as she looked down on the worn out consultant. "Where have you been, you've not been on the shop floor for nearly half an hour, Zoe. There are patients and staff waiting for you"

"I'm sorry" Zoe apologised calmly, her voice crackling as she spoke. "I just needed some time to-"

"To get rid of your hangover?" Tess rudely interrupted her.

"That and to think about things" she replied honestly.

Tess sighed, crouching down to Zoe's level. "What's going on with you, eh?" Tess softened on Zoe as she saw how upset she was.

Zoe's bottom lip trembled as she fought against the impending tears.

"You've not been yourself lately, Zoe. I'm actually quite worried about you, so are the others"

"I'm tired, Tess. I'm tired of life." Zoe declared, a tear falling. Tess immediately knew this wasn't right, Zoe had always been a strong woman. For her to cry it must be a raw issue eating away at her. Raising from her crouching position, she took a seat on the floor next to Zoe. "I'm exhausted, I work constantly, when I'm not working I'm drinking or having affairs."

Tess took hold of Zoe's hand, squeezing for reassurance.

"I haven't got a life" Zoe wailed, "Not a proper life. I've got no near by family, I've not even got a family of my own. No husband or kids, nothing."

"Maybe you're just having one of those days, Zoe. Things will get better"

"They wont. Tess, I'm 40 years old and all I do is work" she complained, her hands gesturing the scenery around her. "I don't need a break, I need a change. Connie offered me a four-week holiday but I'm not going to take it, I've got another idea."

Zoe stood, straightening her dress and wiping her tear-stained face, leaving the room before Tess had a chance to call her back. Her mind was in full gear, heading straight to her joint office, shared with Connie. Swinging the door open she made eye contact with Connie, who raised her head from her paperwork after hearing the commotion.

"I quit"

"What?" Connie exclaimed, taken back by Zoe's words.

"I said I quit, resign. I'm finished."

Zoe handed Connie her already written out notice, which, Connie took unwillingly. Despite their differences, Connie believed Zoe is an extremely good doctor, it would be a massive shame if she left the department, the ED will struggle deeply without her. In some ways, Zoe was the department.

"Are you sure about this?" Connie asked.

"Yes. I need to leave, now, today." Zoe firmly replied, heading towards the door.

"Zoe!" Connie called after her, standing from her chair as she offered her hand out for Zoe to take. "Good luck. If things don't go your way, you've always got a job here no matter what." she said, as Zoe accepted and shook her hand. Exchanging civil smiles, Zoe retrieved her belongings from her office and left.

Making her way through reception felt like the longest trip she'd taken through there, she took in the sights surrounding her. Catching a patients eye she smiled. It wasn't just any patient, it was Mollie. The alcoholic who'd finally made a change and is now on the straight and narrow, thanks to much-needed help from Zoe. Mollie also gave Zoe a reality check, telling her home truths on the person Mollie saw stood in front of her; _a woman who's a mess and needs to sort her life out_ were Mollie's strong words. Connecting eyes, she flashed Zoe a knowing wink as she saw her leave the ED, hoping some good will come of Zoe moving on.

Zoe didn't see the young porter following her with his eyes. As she reached her car, she placed her placed her stuff in the boot. As she reached for the handle of her car door, a voice stopped her. Her heart thumped through her chest, she knew the voice, it spoke to her everyday.

"Zoe, where are you going?" Max asked, his voice plastered in confusion.

She swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat before answering, "I'm leaving, Max."

"Now?"

She hummed her confirmation.

"What? Why?" he struggled to understand.

"I need to go, Max. I'm getting too old to be fumbling about in cupboards and working ridiculous hours."

"Where are you going to go, will you be okay?"

"Max, I'll be fine" she huffed, not wanting a fuss. "I might go to Michigan, maybe."

"You were going to leave without saying goodbye" he sounded heartbroken.

"I'm so sorry, Max but I need to move on"

"What about me?"

She could see in his eyes just how much he was hurt with the concept of her leaving without saying goodbye.

"How long did you think we'd last? Forever?" she questioned him. "A love like this wouldn't last forever, Max. I'm sorry"

She attempted to get in her car, the faster she could run away from the difficult inevitable conversation the better. He stopped her, gripping her arms as he spoke into her teary eyes.

"Are you saying you love me?"

"No" she lied. She in fact did love him, and hated herself for falling for him so quickly. She couldn't remember not loving him.

He forced a laugh, laughing at his own weakness and tears threatened to fall from his eyes. "That's a shame, because I'm so in love with you, Zo. Please stay."

She cupped his face with the palm of her hand, his light stubble tickling the sensitive skin on her palm.

"I can't stay, I have to go. But I want you to find yourself the perfect woman because you deserve that, you deserve someone who's as perfect as you are, but it's not me. I have issues with myself I need to deal with before I can allow anyone in." He rested his forehead against hers. "You take care of yourself"

"Zoe, please" he begged.

Tear fell thick and fast down both of their faces, the love they shared shone through both of their blurry eyes. Reaching up, she placed a chaste kiss on his lips. Pulling her closer, he nuzzled her neck as his favourite scent burnt his nostrils; Coco Chanel and cigarettes, a combination he'll never forget. Zoe broke the embrace first, tugging herself away from his strong arms before she was persuaded to stay.

Max watched hopelessly as he reluctantly let her go. Before she entered her car he grabbed her hand.

"Don't look back" he told her.

Smiling through the tears, nodding as she understood the true meaning of those words; Don't look back on her life here in Holby and start fresh. Climbing into the driver's seat she turned the key to rev the ignition, sparking up a cigarette, with her perfectly manicured nails she placed her Dolce and Gabbana sunglasses on her head. Exiting the car park she looked back at the young, handsome and now heartbroken porter just stood there. He looked so lost. Wiping the last tear that had absent-minded escaped, she covered her red eyes with her sunglasses as she sped up, hitting her foot on the accelerator as she drove into the distance.

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**oop, that got a bit dramatic! Please review, would be very much appreciated if I knew what you guys thought.**


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